5 things everyone should know about consent
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Consent is an agreement made together about what we are willing to do throughout a sexual encounter. It necessary, regardless of current relationship status or sexual history.听听
Here are five things to know about consent.听听
1. Boundaries and limits help agreements be made听
We can choose when鈥搃f at all鈥搘e are willing to kiss, hold hands, get naked, or have sex. When engaging in sexual activity, we also get to choose what types of touch or penetration we are willing to try. This doesn鈥檛 mean we have to know all the things we may or may not be into. But checking in with ourselves and setting boundaries as we explore is a key component to making affirmative consent happen.听
Knowing our limits helps us know what we are willing to agree to. Being able to share our boundaries with each other often requires a level of safety and vulnerability. It takes practice to share what we want and remain open to the potential of being disappointed, disappointing someone else or being rejected. While this can feel challenging, it important to recognize that open and honest conversations about sex are essential and make the experience better for everyone.听听
2. Communication is Ongoing
Think of consent as an ongoing agreement between sexual partners. It is less about agreeing to do something and more about agreeing to try something.听听
People can鈥攁nd often do鈥攃hange their minds about what they want to or are willing to do sexually. Inexperience, novelty, or a new partner can all make knowing what we want tricky to determine. Things can also feel different based on who is doing the touching, the setting of the sexual encounter, our own state of mind, and more. For this reason, it can be helpful to check in. We may ask ourselves, 鈥淎m I still willing to do this?鈥 We may ask our partner, 鈥淒o you want to keep going or try something different or stop?鈥听
If one of us outwardly communicates that we want an activity to stop, that choice must be respected, even if it was initially okay. Agreeing to one sexual activity doesn鈥檛 mean the person agrees to other sexual activities or the same activity at a different time.听听
3. Consent requires an alignment between verbal and physical communication
People communicate their willingness and discomfort in a variety of ways. We may use words to convey permission or disagreement. We may use body language and facial expressions to communicate willingness or a need to stop. For sexual activity, all of what being communicated needs to demonstrate an agreement to move forward. Mixed signals mean that we do not have consent. 听
Cues for consent, include:听
- Direct, brief answers that give permission (e.g., yes, absolutely, etc.)
- Concrete planning (e.g., 鈥淚鈥檇 love to! Now?鈥)
- Direct eye contact
- Moving closer
- Nodding and smiling
- Initiating touch in response to a suggestion
- Reciprocating touch
Indicators that there isn鈥檛 consent, include:听听
- Indirect answers or pauses (e.g., 鈥淚 don鈥檛 know right now鈥 or 鈥淢aybe...I鈥檓 not sure.鈥
- Avoiding eye contact
- Looking closed off
- Leaning away
- Not reciprocating touch听
- Incapacitation听
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When we each pay attention to verbal and physical communication, we have a better and more informed picture of what each of us agrees to.听
4. There is no agreement while incapacitated听
Anyone who is incapacitated by alcohol, drugs or anything else cannot give consent. There may be verbal or physical cues that look like agreement, but if someone is in a state where they cannot make a rational, reasonable decision (because their capacity to understand the 鈥渨ho, what, where, when or why鈥 is diminished) makes affirmative consent impossible.听听听
The impact of alcohol and/or drugs varies from person to person, but some outward signs that someone is incapacitated includes: 听
- Disorientation, which could include a person losing track of where they are or who they are with, being confused or unable to remember basic information, or repeating themselves).听
- Loss of motor control, which means a person may not be able to do basic things like insert a key in a lock, not being able to get something out of a wallet, not being able to dress or undress themselves or walk on their own.听
- Unconsciousness, including being asleep or passed out.听听
If you鈥檙e worried that something happened to you or a friend while incapacitated, help is available. Contact OVA for free and confidential support.听
5. Talk about sex beforehand
Chatting about sex beforehand can help get us all on the same page about what we might be interested in trying. Having broader conversations about what makes sex enjoyable can make it easier to come to an agreement together when sexual activity is happening. These conversations don't have to be formal鈥攖hey can happen naturally during quiet moments together, over dinner, via text, in the car or lying in bed.听听
Here are some topics to consider discussing:听
- What is something that I do that really turns you on?
- Is there a new position or activity you鈥檇 like to try together?
- What are your favorite forms of foreplay?
- Do you have any fantasies you might like to explore?
- What makes you feel most comfortable and safe during sex?
- Can I tell you what I am feeling a little nervous or anxious about, when it comes to sex?听
- Are there any things that make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe?
- How can we better communicate our needs during sex?
- How do you want me to talk about your body or refer to specific body parts?
- What can I do to make you feel more satisfied during and after sex?听
Conversations that happen before sexual activity do not automatically lock someone in to agreeing to do those things in person at a later point in time. Consent always requires initial and ongoing agreement when engaging in sexual activity.听
Campus resources
There are a number of resources on campus that can support your sexual health and relationship well-being.听
SexEd Workbook听
This guided workbook can help you explore what sex means to you, how your own body experiences pleasure and more. This is a great place to start when thinking through sexual experiences and considering questions you may not have considered before.
Skill-building workshops
The Office of Institutional Equity and Compliance (OIEC) offers free discussion-based sessions to help students explore sexual decisions and communication. Topics include consent, pleasure, boundaries and sexual assault.听
Sexual and reproductive health听
Medical Services providers are here to support all 老九品茶 students learn about their bodies and take care of their sexual and reproductive health. Services include exams, birth control, gynecological services, vaccines, HIV prevention and more.听
Safer sex supplies
Students living on campus can order a free Buff Box that includes supplies and information about safer sex, including condoms, lube, dental dams and more.听
Students living off campus can stop by Wardenburg to pick up free safer sex supplies.听
STI testing
Students can schedule an in-person or telehealth appointment to get testing recommendations, review results or order STI tests from the lab. Drop-in testing is also available at the lab in Wardenburg Health Center.听听
Let Talk 听听听Confidential resource听
Let Talk is a free service where 老九品茶 students can check in for an informal, brief and confidential consultation with a counselor to discuss relationships, sex, gender and more.听
Apothecary Pharmacy听
The Apothecary Pharmacy at Wardenburg Health Center provides prescription medications and over-the-counter products, including emergency contraception, condoms, pregnancy tests and more.听
Office of Victim Assistance (OVA)听听听Confidential resource听
OVA provides free and confidential information, consultation, support, advocacy and short-term, trauma-focused counseling services for students, grad students, faculty and staff who have experienced a traumatic, disturbing or life-disruptive event, including, but not limited to, sexual assault, intimate partner abuse and harassment.
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Sexual misconduct includes any unwelcome sexual contact or sexual behaviors that a person did not or was not able to consent to.听听
Sexual assault can include, but is not limited to, the following:听
- Unwanted penetration, including vaginal, anal or oral sex. This also includes penetration by an object or another person body part(s).听
- Unwanted touching of someone butt, breasts or genitals.听 听听
Keep in mind that attempted touching, contact and penetration are also considered sexual assault. Sexual assault can also include going against an established mutual agreement, such as agreeing to have sex with a condom and then lying or removing it without a partner knowledge.听
Important: Under Colorado law, a person under the age of 15 cannot legally consent to sex with someone who is four or more years older than they are. A person who is 15 or 16 cannot legally consent to sex with someone who is more than 10 years older.